The Desire for Family Stories

Teaching the topic “Learning from Family” to a class of beginning genealogists, I described how I gather family stories from relatives when I visit, some distant cousins. At the end of the class, a student wrote on the feedback survey that she did not think that the information learned from the class would be useful for her. You see, she explained, all her older relatives were dead. The class being over, I did not have the opportunity to stress that family history research is not just about ancient ancestors. It is about understanding ancestors in the context of social history—AND it is about understanding the family in which we now live. DNA does not trace that information for us. Documents rarely offer those insights. Stories do.

So now my lectures on family oral history, I start with the questions: What do you want to know about a ancestor, who is now gone? Can you name five ancestors whom you would love to resurrect for an evening, share a meal, and ask them questions about their lives? I share my top five (I actually have more):

1. Burt MOORE (ca. 1756-1836)—my 4^th great grandfather who served as an Indian spy during the American Revolution. After independence was won, he settled in the remote parts of South Carolina. When children and other relatives moved westward, he stayed. What kept him bound to the land on which he lived and died? What was his first wife’s given name?
2. Bluford FLANARY (ca. 1822 – ca. 1878)—my 2^nd great grandfather. He served in the VA State home guard during the Civil War. He had two brothers, named Black and White (really!), who served the Union from KY. The men lived within 100 miles of one another. All three men must have been close as brothers because they named sons after one another. My central question would be “how did these political differences affect their relationships?
3. Flossie FLANARY (1910-1993)—my grandmother. Her father died when she was seven, leaving her mother to raise six girls alone. Poor to the point of heartbreak, her mother put all six girls to work in fields to pick whatever they could for a few cents a day. My grandmother’s education ended at age 9. She did not go beyond fourth grade. My central question would be “having experienced many hard times (loss of a parent, the Great Depression, divorce, widowhood, …) during your life, which was the most difficult for you? Which one taught you the greatest wisdom about life?
4. Virginia COLE (1926-1991)—my mother. Dealt with health problems while raising four of her twelve grandchildren, sometimes with only a disability check to support everyone. If she could pick a defining moment in her life, one whereby if that moment had not occurred her life might have turned out differently, what would that moment be? Would she change it if she could?
5. Joab MOORE (ca. 1855 – ??)—my great grandfather. According to family lore, Joab died in GA on 21 August 1909. He was murdered by a person/persons unknown. When he failed to return home from a cattle buying trip, wife, Mary Lou, asked her sons, Jim, Will, and Henry to go looking for their father. They discovered his body thrown in a ravine along side the road on which he had been traveling. But research points to the “boys,” then grown men and married lived 150 miles apart, two in GA, one in Pickens, SC. In 1909, telephones were sparse in rural South Carolina. So it surely took a couple of days for the brothers to meet, agree to search, and ultimately find their father. The story, as passed down in the family, begs several questions. My central question would be “Tell about your death. How did it occur? When did it occur?”

Of course, these questions are just the start of that fantasy evening of conversation and stories, but they make a point with my audience. As family historians, we have questions about our ancient ancestors and questions about those departed ancestors that we knew. Sadly, we don’t think to ask those questions until after they have died. Our family history is diminished by the missed opportunity. Some questions are basic, but others are a desire for stories—stories that define the person and, by extension, the family with whom they lived.

I think that I can speak for most genealogists on one point: After we die, we hope to leave a legacy of connectedness behind us. Technology now allows us to gather stories and create historical records on par with any written document—if we also apply the methods used by professional oral historians. As genealogists, we search for records, analyze and interpret them, but we don’t think of being able to create an historical record. That is the perspective that I would like for other genealogists to consider. As family historians, we have the opportunity to create an historical record that can reveal the spirit of those lives; fill in gaps in the public/written record; preserve family values and traditions; and help us appreciate the influence of time and place upon our kin and ancestors.

Then, I invite my audience to flip the handout over and during my talk, write the names of living relatives: nieces, nephews, children, in-laws…, let your list continue.

My list of “living ancestors” is longer than the one about dead people. To give you an idea of the kinds of story that can come out of ordinary lives, I’ll share three. Since these are living people, I publish only their initials.

1. J. R.—career soldier in the U.S. Army. Combat veteran, having served in Iraq and Afghanistan. Mother of an autistic child. When she is deployed overseas, she must leave her son in the care of others, something that is difficult for both mother and son. Both her combat experiences and her family concerns would produce powerful stories.
2. D. F.—mentally retarded. After living with his mother and grandmother until age 35, he finally achieved independence. He was married, only briefly, with no children. He supported and took care of himself, living alone, with only someone to help him manage his finances. Age and health issues forced him to chose a group home for men like him. Going from living with his mother to independence to modified independence. What made the greatest challenges? How did he feel about giving up full independence? During his youth, there were no special education classes, he attended with regular students. What was his school experience like? Did he feel that being “slow” make him different from other children? Given that he was once married, did he ever desire to have children? (D. F., by the way, has a remarkable memory for places and people’s names.)
3. P.N.—married at age 15 to an alcoholic. After 20 years marriage, divorced and remained single. What were the most difficult challenges, as a single mom, that she faced after her divorce. How did that relationship change her life? What were her fears about her children growing up in an alcoholic household? How did she deal with those fears.

Who are the “living ancestors” in your life? Ask children about their grandparents, who probably told them stories about the “olden days.” Ask them about what they enjoyed best or least about that grandparent. Interview siblings about parents. Often they can recall events that you have forgotten. How did they see those parents? What stories can they tell about that relationship? Ask them about their own lives? What would they most like to be remembered for?

Record their stories for posterity. Let them tell it in their own words. As family historians, you don’t always have to research in the remote past. Preserve something of the present for those family historians who will follow into your footprints.

© 2007, Sharon Gayle, all rights reserved.

 First printed in The DGS Newsletter, 33(5), May 2008.